Ex-wife, sister, daughter, mother, manager, CPS, CNA, volunteer, church member; addict.
Call me what you will… I’ve heard it all.
I am a redeemed child of God.
Genesis 50:20 tells us, “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now done, the saving of many lives.”
I’ve been out of prison for a year and a half now…
I’ve been off the streets, in church, at work, with my children, volunteering, a client of a sober living program… for over a year. If you’re anything like me; if you’ve dug in the couch for the almost $4 it takes to hit the drive-thru at Walgreens, if you’ve tried to use broken paraphernalia out of pure desperation, if you’ve felt that every single pore in your body was cramping at the same time; you know that this is no small accomplishment.
I’m not telling you this to brag on myself because I can’t tell you how many times I tried by myself. I tried for my family, my kids, my sober friends that were trying their hardest to influence me either by holding their hands out or washing them of me completely.
I tried… I really did.
One day I stopped trying.
I had known for years that asking Jesus to TAKE my addiction from me was an option. But I never asked Him… because I wanted it.
How was I supposed to find comfort without my substances?
How would the laundry ever get done, or how would I tolerate conversations with people if I wasn’t high?
I needed my addiction.
I had control over it. I administered it. I purchased it. I worked for it; it was mine. But it also owned me. I found my identity in it.
“Hi, my name is Lawren, I’m an addict.”
In Greene Co. jail in 2018; I was done. You’ll hear people say they cried out! They screamed to the Heavens!
That’s great! But I did not. I went to the altar, put my dead down and folded my hands over the back of my neck and said, “Jesus… I can’t do this anymore. I DON’T WANT TO USE AGAIN! I DON’T EVER WANT TO FEEL HIGH AGAIN! I DON’T WANT TO EVER COME DOWN AGAIN! I WANT MY CHILDREN TO MEET A NEW MOTHER! I WANT TO BE A NEW PERSON! NOT ANYBODY THAT IVE EVER BEEN AGAIN! I BELIEVE IN YOU! PLEASE! TAKE IT FROM ME COMPLETELY. THE DESIRE, THE CRIMINAL THINKING, THE DISHONESTY WITH MYSELF AND OTHERS… MAKE ME NEW! YOU ARE MY LORD AND SAVIOR AND YOU’VE GOT THIS, I DON’T. I CAN’T, YOU CAN. I GIVE UP. PLEASE DO THIS FOR ME NOW, AND THEN HELP ME GET UP AND CONTINUE IT ON MY OWN.”